How to Overcome Perfectionism: Understanding, Managing, and Letting Go of Unrealistic Standards

The Hidden Weight of Perfectionism

Perfectionism isn’t really about being perfect, it’s about being afraid of not being good enough. It’s not driven by excellence but by fear: fear of mistakes, judgment, or regret. For many high-achieving individuals, perfectionism can look like success from the outside, while on the inside, it often feels like constant self-doubt and exhaustion.

If you’ve ever caught yourself thinking, “I should be doing more,” even when you’re running on empty, you’re not alone.

Understanding Perfectionism

What Is Perfectionism, And How Is It Different from Having High Standards?

Having high standards can be healthy and motivating. Perfectionism, however, takes those standards to an extreme. It involves unrealistic expectations, rigid “rules” for success, and an ever-moving goal line. When the standard becomes impossible to meet, success feels out of reach, and even small mistakes can trigger intense self-criticism. Over time, this pattern creates a cycle of stress, self-doubt, and dissatisfaction, even when you achieve great things.

In short: High standards inspire growth. Perfectionism fuels fear.

Is Perfectionism a Mental Health Issue or a Personality Trait?

Perfectionism itself isn’t a diagnosis. However, decades of research show that chronic perfectionism can contribute to mental health concerns such as anxiety, depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), and eating disorders (Frost, Marten, Lahart, & Rosenblate, 1990; Hewitt & Flett, 1991; Egan, Wade, & Shafran, 2011).

When perfectionism becomes a way of protecting yourself from perceived failure or judgment, it can start to take a toll on both mental and physical health.

Common Signs of Perfectionism

Do any of these feel familiar?

• Procrastinating out of fear of not doing something “well enough”
• Feeling guilty when you rest or take breaks
• Avoiding tasks unless you’re sure you’ll excel
• Constantly moving the goal post after each success
• Comparing yourself to others and feeling “behind”
• Struggling to accept feedback without taking it personally
• Feeling anxious or irritable when things don’t go as planned
• Difficulty delegating tasks or trusting others to help

These are all signs of mental health perfectionism, a thought pattern rooted in fear, not ambition.

Perfectionism in Daily Life

“Why Do I Procrastinate if I Care So Much?”

Procrastination is one of the most common behaviors linked to perfectionism. It may seem counterintuitive, but putting things off allows you to avoid the uncomfortable feelings that come with perceived failure.

As perfectionism research has shown, many people delay starting tasks because the fear of falling short is stronger than the motivation to succeed (Flett, Hewitt, Nepon, & Besser, 2018). When you avoid the task, you feel relief, creating a self-reinforcing cycle.

“Why Does Feedback Feel So Personal?”

When you tie your self-worth to performance, feedback can feel like rejection. Even constructive criticism can activate fear-based thinking: “I’m not good enough.”

Learning to view feedback as information, not an evaluation of your worth, is key to breaking free from perfectionistic patterns.

“Why Do I Always Feel Like I’m Not Doing Enough?”

Perfectionists often live with a moving goal line. As soon as one goal is met, another, higher one takes its place. The result? Success rarely feels satisfying.

You might analyze achievements for flaws rather than celebrate progress. Over time, this mindset leads to chronic exhaustion and a sense that nothing you do is ever enough.

The Emotional Toll of Perfectionism

Living with perfectionism can feel like being on high alert all the time. Many people describe it as mentally exhausting, a mix of self-doubt, guilt, and the pressure to keep achieving.

Even when you meet your goals, the relief is fleeting. You may feel momentary satisfaction followed quickly by the thought, “What’s next?” or “I could have done that better.”

This constant cycle often leads to anxiety, burnout, and low self-worth. Over time, perfectionism can distance you from joy, creativity, and authentic connection.

Letting Go of Unrealistic Standards

Letting go of perfectionism doesn’t mean lowering your standards, it means redefining success. It’s about learning to appreciate your effort, progress, and resilience, rather than chasing flawless outcomes.

Research shows that when individuals begin to challenge perfectionistic thinking and embrace flexibility, they experience greater well-being and life satisfaction (Egan, Wade, & Shafran, 2011; Lloyd, Schmidt, Khondoker, & Tchanturia, 2015).Perfectionism may whisper, “You’re not enough,” but the truth is, you already are.

Why Self-Compassion Matters

Self-compassion is not “letting yourself off the hook.” It’s learning to treat yourself with the same understanding you’d offer someone you love.

Research by Neff (2003) shows that self-compassion increases motivation, emotional resilience, and overall happiness, while reducing shame and self-criticism.

A simple shift in self-talk, replacing “I failed” with “I’m learning”, can begin to change how you relate to yourself.

How to Stop Comparing Yourself to Others

Comparison fuels perfectionism. Social media, career milestones, and cultural expectations can all create the illusion that everyone else is “doing better.”

When you catch yourself comparing, pause and ask:

• “What story am I telling myself right now?”
• “What do I actually value, and am I living that value?”

Grounding yourself in your own values rather than others’ achievements helps restore balance and peace of mind.

Moving Forward

Perfectionism can be deeply ingrained, often rooted in early experiences, cultural expectations, or fear of disappointing others. But it’s not permanent.

Therapy can help you understand the why behind your perfectionism and develop healthier, more compassionate ways of thinking and living. Through insight and support, you can learn to redefine success, not as flawlessness, but as authenticity, growth, and balance.

If This Feels Familiar, Therapy Can Help

If you find yourself caught in cycles of overthinking, self-criticism, or exhaustion, therapy can help you create meaningful change. At Sudbury Psychology Services, Dr. Lisa Taylor, Clinical Psychologist, integrates research-backed approaches to help clients overcome perfectionism, reduce anxiety, and reconnect with what matters most. In-person sessions in Sudbury, MA, and virtual therapy across Massachusetts.

Learn more or schedule a consultation at www.sudburypsych.com.

References

Egan, S. J., Wade, T. D., & Shafran, R. (2011). Perfectionism as a transdiagnostic process: A clinical review. Clinical Psychology Review, 31(2), 203–212.

Flett, G. L., Hewitt, P. L., Nepon, T., & Besser, A. (2018). Perfectionism cognition theory: The cognitive side of perfectionism. In J. Stoeber (Ed.), The psychology of perfectionism: Theory, research, applications (pp. 89–110). Routledge/Taylor & Francis Group.

Frost, R. O., Marten, P., Lahart, C., & Rosenblate, R. (1990). The dimensions of perfectionism. Cognitive Therapy and Research, 14(5), 449–468.

Hayes, S. C., Strosahl, K. D., & Wilson, K. G. (2012). Acceptance and commitment therapy: The process and practice of mindful change. Guilford Press.

Hewitt, P. L., & Flett, G. L. (1991). Perfectionism in the self and social contexts: Conceptualization, assessment, and association with psychopathology. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 60(3), 456–470.

Lloyd, S., Schmidt, U., Khondoker, M., & Tchanturia, K. (2015). Can psychological interventions reduce perfectionism? A systematic review and meta-analysis. Behavioural and Cognitive Psychotherapy, 43(6), 705–731. https://doi.org/10.1017/S1352465814000162

Neff, K. D. (2003). Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself. Self and Identity, 2(2), 85–101.